Dear Hubby from exhausted mommie

This is my letter to my husband and to anyone who is suffering from any illness, disorder or just having a rough time. I hope my letter to my husband is just a way for me to vent but also show him that I am REAL! I have real issues, real concerns and not made up beliefs or things just to have some attention. My purpose of my letter is to educate young people about whats it's like being married, having a step-son and what its like in my shoes living with a mental illness that not only is my weakness but is my strength as well.

My Dearest hubby, the father to my 4 year old step-son, the love of my life, my everything, my Jack to my Sally, my dearest Andrew!

I am so sorry for not being the best wife and mother to your child and everything in between. This is your wife writing to you to tell you how sorry she is lately. With the constant pile-ups and everything, I know things are a little chaotic and crazy. I'm sorry you have to witness seeing me fall down, cry, scream, burst into anger for no reason. I can go from happy to stressed to loving to angry. I have no control over my emotions, my emotions get THE VERY BEST OF ME. THAT IS MY BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER. I don't want to lose you, please dont run away from me because I am difficult to understand and know. I know I push you away when I don't want to talk or see anyone, just know, I am not trying to push you away. I never meant to do any harm. I never mean anything I say out of anger or sadness. Baby, I love you so much. I know for a fact, my emotions are erratic, crazy and hectic but I can promise you one thing: I will always love you! I am sorry that you have to  deal and live with me and my mental Illnesses, doctor appointments, medications, therapies and so much more; just to be sane and composed so I don't blow up on you and our son. 

I'm sorry I'm not perfect and that my body doesn't look like a model you see in magazines, movies or celebrities. I have visible scars up and down my arms to show my strength, courage and motivation to not relive the past and move forward. I AM A RECOVERING SELF-HARMER. I'm looking at my scars with memories of what happened and what happened to me. You saw me at my lowest points: not once but twice and you were there to reach out for my hand to show me that there is a reason to live now. I have a life, I am a mother to your child, I am a wife to you and I no longer what to feel what i felt anymore. I'm sick and tired of feeling exhausted, depressed, angry, frustrated with everything. It never ends but what I can do is believe and hope for the best.

I'm sorry you have to deal and see my many moods in ONE DAY. I'm sorry how UP and DOWN my moods are. I wish I was perfect for you. I wish I had more strength, courage and determination to get help or believe in myself to help myself. I'm sorry you have to have a wife that isn't the prettiest or sane or not the most exciting person but I can tell you some things:

When we took an oath as hubby and wife I meant every word, my Jack! I love you! You're my world, my entire universe my everything. I miss you and Always do when I am not around and you.

I'm sorry for not being able to open up to you! I am sorry for keeping things in when I know I should be able to talk to you because you are my HUSBAND! I'm sorry I can't tell you how I feel because I feel like if I open my mouth, more chaos, fires of fury will come out and sometimes I don't have the words to explain what or how I feel. This is part of my conditions, where talking doesn't come easy or out like I want. I just wanted to let you know, I am not ignoring you or keeping things from you. There are just sometimes I can't comprehend or understand why the way I am and why I am not feeling better when I tried everything possible. After two psychiatric hospitalization stays, countless PTSD memories, flashbacks that wake me up in sweats, tears and sometimes blood because I will make myself so sick and end up hurting myself without knowing or doing it at my lowest time when my PTSD flares up occasionally. I know you see me toss and turn all night in bed; sometimes i lie awake wondering if things were different, how would I change it or make it better. But these memories, flashbacks just eat me alive and I wish I could take back everything and most importantly; I wish you NEVER HAVE TO SEE ME IN ANOTHER HOSPITAL AGAIN UNLESS I AM SERVERY HURT/IN-PAIN/PREGNANT OR ANYTHING NOT RELATED TO MY MENTAL HEALTH DISORDERS THAT I SUFFER FROM DAILY.

I'm sorry I'm not the best parent to your child but I'm truly trying my hardest to be there for him like he deserves and needs. I know he loves me, I love him with all my heart And soul. Hes my little bubba, my little mini me and he's ours! I'm really trying to be the one that he can go to when he need advice or love. Other than you and his mom, I wanna be one of those people too. Parenting is not easy, it really is exhausting, tiring and draining but it's something that we can do together!!

Thank you for wiping tears off my face, thank you being my support, my guide, my light my everything. I know things are really off now, I'm sorry but sometimes I overreact, other days I don't. I wish I had the words to tell you when I feel like I do. I hate not being able to be more strong and tell you how I feel.

Sometimes it's hard waking up in the morning without smiling, other days I wanna crawl into the bed and never leave. That's the DEPRESSION & ANXIETY! The part of me that wants to hide and not be around anymore. But it's you and him that make me wanna get out and move forward and push to be the best I can be. I am writing this letter to show you and everyone that even though we are married, I will always wait and love you and be there for you. I'm not leaving you and bubba. I don't wanna go to the hospital and not see my family or friends. I wanna be home with you both. The loved ones that I truly cherish love and support and give me strength to move on. Seeing our family smile is what moves me to become a better mom and wife to you both. If this seems out of order, it's just me ranting and venting using my creative outlets. You're amazing! You truly are! Never gonna give up on us or you! Always remember that. You're my best friend and I wouldn't want to change it for anyone else. I love you so much Andrew Nicholas Watson!

Love, 

Your AMAZING WIFE ❤

My name is Laura and I am a 28 year old wife and step-mother of one. I am a proud fighter, lover of metal, photography and anything geeky. I suffer from ANXIETY, DEPRESSION, BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER, AND PTSD This is my story; and my story isn't over yet; its only beginning!

"Ghosts of the past no longer torment me"-Killswitch Engage (Cut Me Loose)